Avoiding men with a fear of commitment…

Dear Diva,

How do you spot the guys that are commitment phobic before you get involved with them? I seem to constantly attract this sort of guy… and I was trying to find out if there was some sort of signal or personality they have that is universal to the commitment- phobe. This way I can recognize them before I become too attached. Thanks.
Signed Commitment Troubles in Coppell

Dear This-will-shock-you,

OK first, pour yourself a drink, if you don’t drink try teas. Got it? Ok now sit down, this is going to sting a bit. It’s not him, it’s you. Don’t worry- the stinging will stop in a second. “Explain yourself Diva!” you shout at me. “Hey, I thought you were supposed to make me feel better!” I will, promise. Just give me a second to explain.

There are a few, very few, people in the world with a true commitment phobia. You don’t want that guy. But I believe in my heart of hearts that most men labeled as such will not be once they run into the right girl. I believe 90% of the time that the “commitment-phobic” label that we like to slap on every guy that doesn’t want to run to the alter is our own way of not seeing that we are probably with the wrong guy. We are not the right girl for him. Ouch. I know.

Let me back this up a bit. We all know that couple that dated for years and never married, then as soon as they broke up within a year the guy was marrying someone else. We all know that bachelor that we thought would never settle down, never commit to anyone long term until one day- BAM. He meets a girl and suddenly this never-settle-down guy is shopping for diamond rings.

I think you would do better to recognize the signs of a guy being really excited about you and happy with you. Think about the guy that really liked you and chased you. Did you ever wonder where you stood with him? Nope, didn’t think so. That is what it looks like. Men in love call when they say they will, they make plans, they go out of their way to let you know you matter, and yes- they make commitments. If they do not want to do those things and are not inclined to do that, you are not the right one for him. The ability to recognize that and avoid wasting time with the wrong guy is a blessing.

So the next time you find yourself in a relationship where you are the one making all the effort, you are the one making all the plans, stop and question yourself. When you are always wondering where you stand, where your relationship is heading, and he is responding with vague answers to your questions, stop and think. Before you use the word “commitment-phobic” to describe him- or worse justify sticking around, tell yourself it may not be him- it may be you…and you deserve someone that adores you.
Love, Diva

PS. Please comment after the ugly ads. I know. I’m working on it.