Dear Diva, My boyfriend and I broke up about 6 months ago, I had hoped it was a break and we would be back together but we aren’t and he has met someone and moved on… I have tried moving on, meeting people and dating but I just don’t feel it. I think I will probably never meet anyone like him ever again so I blew it. It bothers me that at 27 I am now sure I will probably spend my life alone. I still think about him all the time and compare every single guy I meet to him. How can I start being happy again?
Heartbroken in Houston
Dear Whole-new-you, First, I am sorry you feel so bad. I have drank from the bottle of Think- I-Blew-it-With-a-Great-Guy myself. (Figuratively AND literally) and I know that it is no fun. Then one day you get it- Sure he may have been a great guy, but if he was YOUR great guy, you would not be writing me. If he was the “One” he would still be with you– which means there is a great guy for you out there! Part of what “good looks like to me” is that I am also what good looks like to him. If a guy I dated found someone else and seems content in his new relationship, that is my first clue that I am not. That fact, in and of itself makes me sure he is not the “One”.
This realization doesn’t make it stop sucking immediately, the knowledge that it wasn’t right is not an instant revival, but with that knowledge you can remind yourself the right one will come along, and be grateful that you aren’t stuck with the wrong one when he does. So what to do until you stumble on him, or more importantly are able to recognize him because you aren’t pining over the wrong guy? Ok first, without hesitation, go to your nearest book store and buy the book “It’s Called a Break-up Because it’s Broken” by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Rutola-Behrendt. Don’t order it or you will have to wait for shipping. You need this book tonight. Keep it next to your nightstand, carry it in your purse, have it available to you at all times. Don’t push yourself to meet someone new right away if you aren’t feeling it. But push yourself to do things that make you happy and feel better about yourself. Get out of the house, get a life for yourself, and find ways to be happy with you. The most attractive thing one can do is be happy themselves.
Don’t try to be “just friends” with your ex. In the beginning, feeling like you are, it will only serve to torture you. (Don’t ask me how I know this- I just do.) After some time has passed and you have both moved on, you can send each other holiday emails. I would even go so far as to say to eliminate as much contact as possible, delete his name from the IM, defriend him, lose the number…you get the point. The less you know now, the better off you are. Yes, a couple times a year I sneak a peak at his Fb page if for no other reason than to remind myself of how happy he looks without me, but I can now because I’m ok with me and my life. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but one of these days, you will be too. Write me in a few months and let me know how you’re doing!